How Self-Care Improves Intimacy

We know that our children deserve all of the love and care in the world.

At what point do we begin to believe that we must earn it?

When we do not, in our core, believe that we are enough, not good enough, or don't deserve love and care we will begin to do three things:

We will depend on others for our approval at our own expense

We will pressure others to accommodate our desires

We will become low investors in ourselves and/or others

When we depend on others for our approval...

at our own expense this looks like:

People-pleasing

Perfectionism

Not being able to say no without guilt

Giving out of fear of what it will mean about us or what they will think about us

This will feel uncomfortable because what it really is, is an act of betrayal.

No one likes to feel betrayed.

But when we misrepresent ourselves it is an act of self-betrayal

Do you have memories of being betrayed?

How did that feel?

Once I misrepresented my husband, and he was able to communicate something to me that I hadn't been paying attention to.

I asked our church leader when it was going to be our turn to speak in church.

I don't mind speaking in church.

I love speaking in church.

In my eyes, it is an act of love and I offer things valuable to my soul with open heart to people I am learning to know better.

To my husband it is pure drudgery, more work, and to be avoided at all cost.

So when our church leader gave me a date and included Jay on the program he was a bit miffed.

I will admit to thinking that if someone asks you to do something, especially where church is involved, you do it and suck it up and included my husband in that unwritten program.

I hadn't asked his opinion and had accepted willingly in behalf of both of us.

It was an act of betrayal because I had misrepresented him as being as willing as I was.

He let me know how this felt on his end and I offered that in the future I would not represent his views.

So the next time we were asked to speak, Jay willingly agreed.

The difference?

He had a choice. He mattered and his opinion mattered.

And last time I checked, God appreciates a willing servant.

I was totally off.

When we can't say no....when we agree to do something that we actually don't want to do we are committing an act of self-betrayal. We are misrepresenting ourselves and it is not in alignment with honesty and integrity.

It isn't a true offering.

We need self-trust.

We need to trust ourselves to make important calls about our wants versus others.

We need to trust ourselves to be okay when others disapprove. In fact, the antidote to needing the validation of approval of others is to tolerate invalidation! The result is a moral self. A solid self that does not rely on the approval of others.

Another way we misrepresent ourselves is we do not speak up with our true thoughts and feelings. We will try to put forth an agreeable version of us that will be the most likely to be desired, loved, accepted.

We are speaking to our own souls that we cannot truly be known and loved for who we are, the we are incapable of handling failure in the form of rejection, etc., and that intimacy is not worth the risk.

It's a way of saying, "I'll take the safe pseudo-security, thank you very much."

Do you believe that?

Do you agree with that message?

If not, you have the chance to challenge it.