How can you stay connected when at any moment, they may turn blame on you?
You start to feel like you can't let your defenses down
You don't know when it is going to happen
You dread when something goes wrong, when they become irritated or annoyed
It may all come back on you.
And you have enough on your shoulders already.
The solution feels like keeping a wall up
Being on the watch for what could go wrong and how it could be seen as your fault
Overexplaining, defending, preempting the strike
Blaming him before he can blame you
But this results in, instead of relaxing into intimacy you are walking on egg shells and making attempts at connection from behind a brick wall.
I just want to set the records straight here, friend.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Let's just stop the blame cycle right here and decide that:
You are just trying to be okay right now, the best way you know how.
We're all just trying to feel good about ourselves.
You are figuring this out.
You are 100% loveable AND you can still change things if you choose to.
Now that we have that squared away...
Let's get to the business of external boundaries.
The things that take care of you when stuff is being flung your way
Blame
Inconsiderate truths or perceptions
Stonewalling
These don't belong in your new marriage
Rather than making it the other person's job to ban those from their communication
(Although, by all means, I hope they do)
The job is yours to protect yourself when they bring these losing strategies in.
Don't buy-in to the idea that how they are thinking, feeling, acting is your fault.
Allow yourself to be okay. "Here I am, being human and showing up."
Don't buy-in to the idea that they have to be wrong in order for you to be valid or right. "According to how I am thinking and feeling...this makes sense."
Allow them to be okay...the behavior, however....
Plug in: They are probably just trying to be okay the best they know how
They are probably just trying to feel good about themselves, just like me.
They are figuring this out too.
They are 100% loveable AND this behavior is unacceptable.
Set boundaries/expectations. Understand what you will and will not engage with in your conversations. For example:
* I'm willing to listen as long as the conversations stay clear of blaming.
* If I had a way of pushing a button and making you feel better, I promise I would, but until then I just can't do that for you. I'm willing to consider how I can make it easier for you, though. Do you have some ideas?
*I want to consider how you feel but in the end I won't be able to change that for you.
*I wish I could change that for you but since I can't...what should we do now?
*I'll consider changing that thing to help you out if I can do it without betraying who I want to be.
Follow through. This is the action you and or will take.
Leave the conversation (using the time-out method)
Refuse to blame yourself, beat yourself up, berate yourself
Refuse to blame them for how you choose to think, act, and feel
Allow them space to feel what they are going to feel while continuing to show up as the spouse you want to be
Give yourself the TLC you need if you start to notice your strength to stay positive waning
If you want help figuring out the details of how this could look in your conversations, just schedule a free Relationship Reset call by clicking below.
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