"Repair is not a two-way street." Terrence Reel
Coaching is never about how to change your spouse.
It is about how to change you
One of the hardest parts about working through conflict can be dealing with an upset partner.
But repair work must be done in turns.
Otherwise it turns into excuses, explanations and invalidation of what the other person is saying.
Competitive Convincing
Instead of communicating, "I care about you and I care about us".
If your partner is in a state of disrepair, your job then becomes helping them back into harmony with you, supporting them in reconnecting
BECAUSE IT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO DO SO.
This is done by helping yourself back into harmony by noticing what you are thinking
Connecting with how you are feeling
And having compassion for YOU as you experience something very human.
Working your way to compassion is a difficult skill to master
But it makes YOUR life so much more amazing.
It may sound like, "I'm sorry you feel bad".
"I want to hear what you have to say. Will you please lower your voice?"
When we accidentally communicate
"What you have to say does not matter because it isn't accurate or true."
"I am suffering here too so you need to give me credit or stop talking."
With
"Well, how am I supposed to do that when I am taking care of the kids"
"I do that for you all of the time."
Showing up for them AND for you is a skill you can develop with practice.
And when you can do this YOU GET
To create a "thoughtmosphere" for yourself that is calm and peaceful
You can respond in a crisis in a way that you feel good about.
More connection
It is not the easy way. It can feel terrible for a while...being the calm one when it would feel so much better to shout it out or try to make them change.
But if you are already feeling terrible and working hard...
Why not feel terrible and work hard at something that actually achieves the purpose?
Not "winning" the argument...
Connection.
Compassion.
Inner peace.
My best to you,
Jenn
Click below to learn about how you can work with me to repair your relationship in 12 weeks.