The day I witnessed an assault and did not intervene is a day that totally changed my perspective.
I was worried about what those people might think or say or the backlash that may occur as a result of doing something.
I found that the regret was more unbearable than the retribution probably would have been.
But it gave me a very strong drive to never the be one who just stands by.
What I intend to do will change depending on what the moment calls for but since then I have noticed that I am more vocal especially against judgement, refusing to stand by and allow someone else to gain the impression that through my silence I agree.
I am much more prepared to accept the consequences come what may since then.
But one day I found a gap in my resolve.
I was assaulted.
By a pipsqueak of a kid during my employ as a behavior specialist.
What I noticed was fascinating.
I was willing to allow my safety to be compromised in order to protect the other person from feeling uncomfortable.
As I looked closely this was more than a habit of mine.
It could find time and time again that I would put myself in compromising situations and try to protect other people who were not in the least interested in protecting me. Emotionally. Physically. All of it.
This is where I started my kenpo journey, not because I wanted the ability to take someone down, although I consider that an inspiring benefit, but because I recognized that I needed the emotional strength to develop the mental courage to protect myself.
When I began looking I realized that there is a lot more assault going on in the world than we see on the streets.
It happens in our minds.
We become the enemy that attacks ourselves almost 24/7.
It makes it so that we are afraid.
Afraid to make mistakes, usually not because of what others will think of us if we really look at it, but at what WE will suffer at our own hands.
The self-loathing, the constant rerun in the mind, the judgement, the ridicule, the name-calling, the rejection coming from our own minds.
The world forgets after then next silly person comes along and does something worthy of a good laugh, and I've provided a decent quota (you're welcome)....but we don't.
We create an atmosphere that would be all over the news if we could tag it with the "targeting", "bullying", and "hostile work environment" laws enforced by employee standards.
What are your standards for your mind?
What kind of workplace is it?
If your response would need to be, "I'd like to talk to my lawyer"....then let's check it out and see what we can do to make your mind a safe place to be.
Just get ready for this one:
The HUGE obstacle to moving past self-judgement is going to be that little thought that self-love threatens to the very core:
If I approve of myself....I'll stop improving.
And so the self-hate, the disdain, the lack of approval now has a purpose (to move us forward) and loving myself now becomes the threat to that purpose.
The equation in our minds becomes:
Loving myself=I stay fat or I stay sick or I stay lazy or I stay unmotivated
Hate myself=Improvement so I can love myself when I am skinny, well, motivated
(Ask yourself this quick coaching question: How do you FEEL when you think, "I am fat"?
Motivated? Eager? Probably not...
Now you have to work extra hard to get to that morning workout and "bland" food while you are still dragging an unmotivated, depressed person out of a warm bed and into spandex...)
Do you see the cycle?
Of course we are depressed.
There is no way out of that nightmare.
You are willing to let that program go.
Just let go.
There is another one out there.
IF you can think of something that generates feelings that are in alignment with working out, improving, being motivated, LOVING yourself now...
I do things for myself out of love.
Dang, girl, you are tough!
Remember how you got out of bed yesterday? And it was 2 degrees!