"I don't want to argue, but this needs to be said...."
Have you ever been there?
I feel drained, defeated, discouraged, and a little hopeless in this place.
But I've also walked through that dark alley into a new place
Where I can leave a conversation feeling encouraged, hopeful, empowered
And so if you are back there...getting up your nerve...
I'm calling from the other side.
You are worth a good, hard conversation.
Honesty is important in relationships.
You can do this.
You've got this.
Here is how:
I have studied some of my favorite coach's techniques for hard conversations, added some of my own, and have them here for you.
Having honest and loving conversations that set boundaries and expectations is a skill.
And THAT is the good news.
Because a skill can be grown.
You get better and better at it with practice AND evaluation.
Process One: Clean up first. Jody Moore
This one is great for when you have some time to prepare.
1. What is my goal for myself?
2. Create how I want to feel first (if you missed how, click HERE)
3. Find the facts
4. Have the conversation.
· Cushion the beginning: “I want to talk about something that may be hard to hear and I’m honestly a little nervous about it because I don’t want your feelings to be hurt but it is important to me.”
· State the facts (not your thoughts about the facts) “Last week I asked you not to do this and this week you still did it.”
· What is the impact now, future impact if it continues. Why is this a problem for you or others. “This is a problem for me because I am not sure I can trust you with this type of thing, it is confusing for the kids, and if it continues, I am concerned that I will start to have angry feelings toward you, which I don’t want.”
· Choose to be confused or concerned instead of angry, a victim, resentful, etc. “I am just confused, so help me understand”
Process Two: Tell me why you are right. Brooke Castillo
1. Ask them to tell you why they are right. Listen.
2. List the FACTS.
3. Give ONE thought statement in the form of: "I am upset because I am making this mean…. You are upset because you are making this mean..."
4. Anything beyond this statement is solution-focused only
Process Three: Making a request
1. I feel…
2. When you…
3. Will you…
4. So that…
*just remember that adults get to do whatever they want. If their answer is “no” it is your responsibility to manage your thoughts and feelings. Not theirs.
When you can walk away from a conversation knowing that you were honest, kind, showed up as someone you love,
you can call the conversation a success...
Even if they did not respond how you wish they would.
"I was honest and kind to both of us"
is an amazing place to be.
You can be there!!
It strengthens your relationship with yourself and offers authenticity to the one you love.
If you want help knowing how to manage your emotions, change your thoughts, and love yourself enough to have a conversation like this...
Click below. I can help you.