To the mamas who are busting it out trying to be rock stars for their families.
Who are trying to hide their fatigue and just keep going whether they feel well or not.
Who don't want others to suffer or be affected by their disease and "be there" even when they really aren't "there".
Who are carrying the weight of the responsibilities of kids and spouses and jobs and feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders.
They might tell a few people, their mamas or their husbands, their fears about what is happening or how they can feel the fatigue clear to their bones, and what could happen if things keep going on this way.
Or tell a whole lot of people hoping to get validation that they aren't lazy or hypochondriacs.
These are the people I'm thinking about today as I blog in between naps.
Several of them, actually.
I want you to hear that someone believes you.
And knows how hard you try.
Sometimes I'm cheering from the sidelines and sometimes I'm cheering from the trenches.
Sometimes I'm just cheering for myself, really, really loudly. So loudly that my voice will carry to the others that are having those days too.
I'm saying that we've got this.
And by "got this" I mean...some days we may just be floating with our hulls above to waves....
and that's okay.
And sometimes I wish I could take my little immune system on my lap and say, "Honey, that's not a germ, that's your thyroid..."
But since I can't, I've needed to take myself by the hand and remind myself who the enemy isn't.
Because sometimes in fear, fear of what will happen if things never change, fear of what our kids will do without a mother who comes to their games or plays from the couch, fear of what our spouses will do if they feel like a single parent, or worse, a parent of an adult dependent, fear of people who roll their eyes or whisper behind their hands about being "sick" again, when we look just fine...
We turn on ourselves.
Like our hard-working, misguided immune systems, bless their hearts...working non-stop like soldiers protecting us from the food we eat and even the air we breathe unknowingly attacking its very host...
We begin to attack ourselves.
Shooting bullets into our souls with words like,
"You aren't doing enough"
"You should be able to get this done"
"This isn't much. You used to be able to do 5 times that amount!"
"You look terrible"
"You're never going to make it through today"
"You are screwing up your kids"
"You aren't valuable"
"No one is going to love you if you are like this"
But really saying is, "I won't love you if you are like this"
Sometimes we just need to cease fire.
Rest.
Take a break.
Run up the white flag when emotional autoimmunity begins the attack.
We have enough going on without attacking ourselves in an assault of never-enoughing.
How much better could we feel on a day where the pain is high, the fatigue is high, we're in a flare, when we have a safe place to go inside.
Somewhere we can retreat to that will say, "I am enough"
"Look at what I AM getting done"
"I am doing enough"
"I'm so blessed to have experienced so much in the past. I'm so blessed to have today."
"Today is enough"
"My kids get to learn the things they never could in other circumstances. I believe they will be given exactly what they need."
"It's okay to be misunderstood by others. I understand you. I trust you."
"I am as valuable today as I was the day I was born"
"I love you just how you are. You do what you need to do and God will take care of the rest."
And in turn be open to the moments that come into our lives that make being here amazing.
The sun shining through the trees.
The sound of children playing outside.
A little one running in to talk about a bug they found.
That fuzzy cat that loves to jump up next to you.
Walks.
Meditation.
Clouds.
Snow.
Sun.
Lakes.
Mountains.
Wind.
Self-acceptance.
And gluten-free, nut-free, dairy-free, sugar-free cookies.
"You're not a cruise ship right now, Hon.
You're a life boat."
My mom