In a healthy way
Airing grievances usually feels important in the moment
It may be feel like a problem-solving discussion
(Where they, or how they acted or didn't, act are the problem to be solved)
Venting without censor has even been encouraged for honesty and vulnerability
But airing grievances without a filter
Is much like spray painting in a closed room.
It's toxic
Is hard to clear from the mind, soul, and body
It distorts reality
And can cause lasting effects
The Conversation Probably Needs to Happen
If it is weighing on your soul
You feel like a liar if things aren't addressed
You feel a war inside yourself like resentment
Employ the "Bridled Tongue"
Unbridled self-expression is reminiscent of a runaway horse that plows through tables on the sidewalk and off cliffs using the panicked, primal, survival brain
Bridled expression is using a skill to direct all of that passion and energy into a line of purpose that was decided with the intentional higher brain
You Don't Have to be Able to Do This Perfectly
Give yourself some space to have a human reaction to a thought that crossed your mind in .2 seconds flat
When you are first starting out:
Make the first goal just to notice that you were triggered. Usually we are unconscious until we have completely lost it.
Give yourself a moment of grace. "Oh, I just had a thought that made something big happen."
Give yourself a time-out. "I just need a minute to think about this. I'll be right back." Give yourself as much time as you need to calm that panicked part of your brain down.
Count the wins. "I just noticed when I got upset. Yay, me. Good job giving yourself a time-out, me. I'm proud of you.
Consider What You Want Your Purpose to Be
When you look at what you are frustrated about, it often comes down to not feeling loved, appreciated, respected...disconnected.
We usually just want to feel loved and enough.
That, for some strange reason, does not happen by communicating the ways the other person is falling short.
There are a lot of ways to have expectations and set boundaries that protect you from others' reckless behavior or unbridled self-expression
(I've got you. It's coming at you next week.)
But in the meantime...set your intention on something you truly want. Like connection WITH the protection of boundaries that protect others from your unbridled stuff.
If you are tempted to:
Retaliate: That is your cue to honor your feelings. Usually we just want the other to feel what we are feeling to validate our experience.
Granted. You are valid and so are your feelings.
Control: Still want them to change so you can feel better? This is your cue to remind yourself that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do and that you have 100% control over how you choose to think, feel, and act in this situation. You've got this.
Prove that you are right: This is your cue to remember that you are probably right...according to your perspective and experience. And so are they. Arguing to prove you are right means you must prove them wrong. Invalidating their perspective and experience.
If you are both right and both wrong, how would you solve this problem? Skip the part in between.
Withdraw: This is your cue to hold yourself tight. To have your back. To love yourself enough to refuse to allow self-abuse, negative self-talk, or the like. To take care of your mind while you do something courageous. Tell the truth in a kind, non-blaming way.
A Hard Conversation May Sound Like
Here is where I am at/feeling
I can do the work to take care of myself
But would you be willing to....?
It would help me out.
If the answer is no, you can change the way you are thinking about it to forward without resentment
OR
Make a decision about how to change your circumstances without resentment
If you need help learning how to do this, I can line it out in a Relationship Reset Call.
In a call we would
Clearly outline the three, main problems
Create three, clear solutions
Make a plan to get you there within 12 weeks
Just click on the button below
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