Working as a team makes marriage go smoothly.
What can you do when you do not feel like teammates?
When I think back to times when Jay and I did not feel like we were on the same side
I was spending a lot of time angry, frustrated, and believing that he should be doing it differently.
He should cooperate more.
He should communicate better.
If he would just....then I could....
It is a hard place to function out of.
When I took a moment to look at how I was seeing myself when I was believing we were not on the same team
I was feeling
Entitled
Judgmental
Superior
Conditionally loving
From a "one-up" position.
Not equals
When I was believing that I knew how he should be acting
And I knew how to be doing it better
I was not acting like an equal or a team member.
At all.
The same can be said from a "one-down" position.
If a client is believing that her husband has more authority
He could do better
He deserves a more patient, more loveable spouse
She is not acting like an equal or a team member.
It is important to see each other as allies
But this begins by acting like an equal.
Even when your spouse is acting in ways that you both know are not his best self
The work of approaching the challenge as a team
Begins with you.
Here is one way to start:
When he does something you both know is not awesome, you will want to focus on that thing. How wrong it is...what that means about him. Notice and pause. This is not where your power lies.
What does this expose in you? Look inward. THIS is where your power is. Does it bring out your judgement? Your need for outside validation? Your desire to control?
How can you meet him as an equal when your are struggling with his struggle? What would a teammate do here? You are actually both struggling.
Some suggestions:
"Hey, when this happens I realize I tend to get a bit controlling. I don't want to be but I think I am afraid. May I hug you for a minute? And then can we talk about how to handle this in a way that we both feel supported?"
"What would support look like for you in this kind of situation? Can you help me remember when I slip back into old tendencies?"
"I'm feeling a little negative right now. I'm going to go to my room to calm down but I want you to know I am coming back."
"I am feeling angry but I am not going to blame you for it. When I've got my mind together I'll be ready to come up with some solutions."
These are all ways of taking ownership over your own emotional experience AND
Recruiting a teammate for assistance.
Although mind work is something you can do totally alone
You can choose to be happy
You can choose to not care
You can choose to disconnect
You actually don't have to do it alone.
There are ways of being independent AND rely on a partner for help.
Because you are teammates
And that's what teammates do.
It is easy to slip back into the referee or opposing team position. If you find yourself struggling to work as a team
Please reach out
I can help you. I'm a coach.