Do you find yourself lashing out at your spouse in frustration, only to regret it later?
Or find yourself on the receiving end of sarcasm as a form of punishment?
I've got you.
Retaliation, also known as passive-aggression, is that covert expression of anger many of us resort to when more methods like criticizing, controlling or trying to force our way fail.
It's usually a last-ditch effort out of desperation.
I've been there too, Friend.
In the moment, it can feel vindicating - a way to subtly offend from a perceived "victim's position" and ease our resentment.
An underhanded power play to extract some emotion, born from that deep longing to have our hurt witnessed and anger validated.
Except it never really works that way, does it?
The retaliation only breeds more conflict, distrust and distance between you and your spouse.
It also disrupts the connection with yourself as you become angry with you.
You remain stuck in those cycles of miscommunication and unprocessed emotions - the very things that led to the passive-aggressive acting out in the first place!
But there is another path forward.
This way allows you to voice your experience powerfully and abandon those unhealthy retaliatory habits once and for all - without abandoning the marriage itself.
It starts with this: Rather than lashing out, you give yourself the gift of pausing to identify and consciously feel your difficult emotions.
How to do it:
If we were to listen in on your brain it may sound like
"Wow. I just felt a flash of anger...and it's okay.
I'm not in danger, I'm just making this mean something pretty big right now.
I'll evaluate it when I feel calmer."
You get grounded in YOUR truth about what hurt or angered you BEFORE communicating it.
From there, you'll learn how to use authenticity and advocacy - using a simple template like:
The template:
"I felt [emotion] when you [action].
Would you be willing to [stated need] so that [positive outcome]?"
This allows you to share your perspective completely, including the upheld boundary or repair you're seeking, without escalating into criticism or attack mode.
If your spouse is unable to hear you in that moment, you have a choice to make:
You can accept it without retaliating, or
Figure out how to meet that need for you
You'll have the vital information and empowerment to decide your next steps, without fueling those draining, intimacy-eroding cycles of passive-aggression any longer.
The path away from retaliation is powerful and vulnerable - using your voice as a tool for healing and collaborative problem-solving.
Even if your spouse isn't a willing partner at first, you're finally taking responsibility for communicating your emotional experience with courage and care.
That's how the healing happens, one courageous interaction at a time.
No more hurtful, underhanded striking when you're triggered.
You are safe. You are okay. You are valid. You are loveable.
You have truth, choices and agency over the dynamics you're no longer willing to accept.
The marriage you want is waiting for you there - if you're willing to abandon retaliation in favor of your highest self.
Are you ready to reset your relationship? Start over with your spouse?
Call for a free consult call to find out
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