Updated: Oct 9
Have you ever been so uncomfortable in a relationship that you think at times you can't keep it up?
Something has to give.
You consider getting help and even take some initial steps to set something up...
And then stop?
Why do you put on the brakes?
It is my job to help people understand why they do what they do. When I am coaching people I see these three common reasons for not reaching out.
You are afraid that saying the problem out loud verifies that something is wrong:
Wrong with you and now someone else will know.
Wrong with the relationship and then you will have to face doing something about it.
Or when you take that first, small step...it gives a little relief... and the brain gets a dopamine hit and believes you solved your problem.
Can you relate?
You know you are doing this when you have the same, repeating problem, the same build-up, you find a little relief (maybe from ordering a book, or ice-cream) that lasts just until next time you feel triggered.
And the tension begins to build again and the cycle continues.
The effects of this cycle
is helplessness and hopelessness. You will want to hide.
You ping-pong back and forth between shame of how you are showing up and blame for how they are showing up
You create evidence that you can't change and they won't change.
You live in a quiet, hidden world of self-judgment and self-rejection as you believe that there is something wrong with you
You are not broken
You just haven't learned yet that:
You can hack your biology. That dopamine cycle is real. The brain is invested in keeping you where you are. Safe from judgment. Safe from change.
There doesn't have to be anything wrong with you or wrong with them to make changes.
Your brain is doing it's job. Having strong feels indicates that you have thoughts, not that there is something wrong with you.
You don't have to change anything in your relationship to change how you feel. You don't have to leave, divorce, make an aggressive stand up for your rights. All of the work is done internally from a place of compassion. for you and compassion for them
Coaches are trained to save space for you. They are teaching from that place of compassion because they have had challenges too. They are onto the lines their brains feed them to help you be onto yours.
The solution is hiding in the problem
You need to solve the problem in a different way that created the problem.
If you are avoiding, ghosting that person due to discomfort you will avoid the discomfort of reaching out. The solution? Do something different. Turn and face the discomfort.
If you are avoiding making a decision in your relationship you will avoid making a decision to reach out. The solution? Make a decision and have your back about it.
If you start to make changes for yourself and stop when they get upset or do not go by a boundary...stop starting and stopping. Make a powerful decision and face the discomfort.
You will feel uncomfortable either way.
It is uncomfortable to stay stuck.
It is uncomfortable to reach out for help.
Why not choose the discomfort to get the help to make the change?
I don't mind if you reach out to a counselor, a friend, me...ANYONE...to increase your skills for emotional and relational wellness
But if you want to try me...Text me.
I'm not going to give you my online calendar.
I'm going to give you my cell number.
The one I give to my friends.
I want you to hear it in my voice that I care, that I am here, that there are things you can do, that I am not judging you, I understand...
and that you are CERTAINLY. NOT. BROKEN.
Call or text me. (208) 220 1436 to talk about how I can help you through coaching.