Is it a Time-Out or Stonewalling?

And what to do about it when it shows up in your marriage.

Deep down, you don't actually want distance and disconnection from your spouse.

Despite the hurt feelings or frustrations that sometimes make you want to withdraw,

what you both truly crave is

• intimacy,

• teamwork and a

• harmonious partnership.

The problem is, unproductive withdrawal during conflicts -

going cold and stonewalling instead of productively working through issues - Builds barriers to that very closeness you wish for instead of connection.

You're not broken

Unhealthy withdrawal is a coping mechanism.

It's a delay tactic to sidestep uncomfortable issues

And truly....who looks forward to those?

It makes sense on a basic level.

It just doesn't work

It can breed more resentment, misunderstandings and a gnawing lack of resolution that slowly hollows out intimacy over time.

Sometimes you need a break.

How do you know if you are stonewalling or taking a break?

The result that you get from taking the break.

Stonewalling is avoidant. It feeds disconnection.

After stonewalling you come back less connected,

more resentful,

with issues continuing to be unresolved.

The emotions are underground with a focus on forgetting instead of addressing

A break is supportive. It feeds connection.

That break is used to create and gather strength

To do a self-check for resentment

To figure out how you can take better care of yourself

And come back in a way you feel proud of

Time-outs are spent in a way that deepens your connection with yourself to prepare you to open up to connection with your spouse

Rather than deepening disconnection with yourself through pretending or forgetting and feeding thoughts that deepen disconnection with your spouse

What do I do during a healthy time-out?:

Try THIS PROCESS (It's free, but only available for a week) while you are there to use that time to connect with you and reconnect with the spouse.

What can you do if your spouse starts withdrawing or stonewalling?

Here are some ideas:

• Be honest about the feelings. "Hey, I feel really hesitant to want to talk too. Sometimes I am worried about saying it wrong, I'm trying to protect you from being upset, or even blaming you. Would you be willing to define some guidelines we can use for a healthy discussion later?"

• Suggestions for healthy guidelines: Let's own our own emotions (not blame). Let's assume we're both trying (generous thinking). Let's keep it clear of criticism (generous speaking). Let's not try to convince the other one our way is right and try to find a solution instead. Is there anything you would like to add?

• I understand you are probably pretty upset and we need to make a decision. I'm willing to talk again in the next couple of days to find a solution together. If I don't hear back from you by ____ I'll just make the best decision I can on my own.

A Word of Warning

Talking when you would rather ghost them feels scary.

It will be outside of your comfort zone

But don't misinterpret that alarm bell as something to avoid.

You Have a Plan

You can get yourself settled in self-compassion, emotional regulation, and commitment to connection using a healthy time-out

Calm that scared part of the brain

Then Go Back Ready

And then have the hard conversation because connection with a spouse is worth doing the hard things for.

You don't need it to be easy.

You are a warrior, battle-tested and made for this.

Just because it isn't easy doesn't mean anything has gone wrong.

This is how two people make space for each other in one relationship.

This is how you figure it out.

If you need help figuring it out you can reach out for a coach.

During a relationship reset call I help you:

1. Find the 3, main issues going on

2. Show you 3, simple solutions for those things

3. Create a doable plan you can either do on your own or with me

Schedule a Relationship Reset Call