Know someone who is intrusive, controlling, express themselves without regard for how it may affect the other person?
Know someone who crumbles when someone blames their feelings on them or offers them their unbridled thoughts?
Someone who hides from conversations with busyness, remote controls, work, fatigue, silence?
As different as these positions seem...they are all indications of poor boundaries.
Boundaries are the things that allow us to be protected and connected at the same time.
If you don't have strong containment and protective boundaries you may find yourself disconnecting to either protect someone else from you or protect yourself from them
Containment boundaries allow you to take full responsibility for your own feelings.
When you have good containment boundaries you don't need to spill, vomit, explode on someone else because you know they are not the problem.
You know that you can take productive action without becoming the worst version of yourself.
Protective boundaries allows you to listen to someone else's perceptions and views without absorbing them as truth.
When you have protective boundaries you can listen, ask questions, and evaluate what they are saying without needing to become defensive.
You know that there is nothing to defend yourself from other than your own beliefs. And you can manage those.
Terrence Real puts it well when he says,
"When you are boundryless, you are connected but not protected.
When you are behind a wall, you are protected but not connected.
Neither condition is intimate."
I know it is scary to come out from behind the wall that you have been hiding behind
But unless you are a victim of physical abuse
Walls NEVER help.
When I am coaching clients who want better boundaries for better connection
I work them through a process called the model.
We sort out the facts from the stories
We process feelings so there is nothing to avoid
We change any sabotaging thoughts into ones that help them
Access peace and love before their partner changes
Tell the truth instead of hiding and people-pleasing
Decide on purpose how they will show up
Let go of resentment, bitterness, or grudges
Risk the relationship they have now for something better with their partner
I want to offer you some thoughts about boundaries that can help you today with that person (click to see the video) you know you need to have better boundaries with.
Boundaries are always for you. They are never telling someone else how they have to act...because you can't control that.
You do not have to be angry to set a good boundary. In fact, they are best when they are set in love.
Following through with boundaries is the most important and challenging part.
Boundaries are kind. You aren't lying or pretending to be okay with something you are not and you aren't blowing up.
Boundaries increase intimacy. You can't have a real relationship with someone who is pretending.
Boundaries are work on the front end that save you so much work, resentment, and anger on the back end.
Boundaries are the way to deeper connection, deeper self-love, and alignment.
It is something I work with, with every single client that comes my way because it is involved in every, single problem they deal with.
If you want help being able to
Be okay if someone else chooses to criticize you
Have peace if someone else chooses to feel disappointed with you
Have the clarity to listen without defensiveness when they are sharing concerns
Have the confidence it takes to have the hard conversations when it would be easier to avoid it
Please reach out.
I know how hard relationships can be without good boundaries in place
And I am here to help you with deep compassion and understanding.
Click below to talk with me about how coaching could help your situation