Ever asked, "Why do I criticize so much?"
"Why am I criticizing my child (or my husband)?"
You were just “saying it like it is” in a moment of frustration, and then see their face drop
You realize, "I just criticized someone I love. Again."
Dang, it.
In January, I committed to myself, and shared it with you,
By the end of 2024 I would be someone who never feels the need to criticize.
I’m here to report, in March, that I have pretty much arrived.
I have had fantastic opportunities….
Friends have criticized people that do things I don’t like either
Leaving me the perfect space to insert my snarky, sarcastic, critical comment
They would have laughed and thought I was witty.
But I just sat there calmly, no need to contribute.
Not even an itch.
I’ve heard angry stories that are lacking supportive details that I possess that would add to the indignation of their point
It's not that I was biting my tongue or squirming in my seat
I just felt no need to speak up.
None.
It is a beautiful feeling, my friends.
I want to tell you how
So YOU can be the one calmly sitting there....
Calm as a summer breeze....
Maintaining connection with others
But mostly with you.
NO more feeling guilty and terrible when you walk away.
It is so much easier than I ever thought.
The secret?
Be okay with you.
Each morning I would write my intention down: refuse to criticize
And each evening I would review how I did
And I found a pattern.
The more okay I was with myself
The more okay I was with others being themselves.
For instance, if I was tempted to criticize a child's choices
When I asked myself, "Where am I believing this will help me?"
I thought it would save me from believing I had failed them as a parent
It would help me feel smarter or knowledgeable than them, cuddling my "inadequate parent" insecurity like a woobie,
It could protect me from feelings that may happen as a consequence of their choices. Mad feels more empowered than sad.
My reactive, unexamined brain was wrong.
Criticizing only ever made me feel worse about myself and never, ever helped them.
If I didn't want to feel like a mean person by asking someone to stop doing something or start doing something, criticism tried to help protect me from self-assault.
BUT... if I am just a victim of their ignorance or bad behavior, I don't have to
take uncomfortable action (like asking them to stop or setting a boundary)
and then deal with my own emotional whiplash, self-judgement, shame, and second-guessing
Criticism would only be an attempt to feel better about myself by making someone else smaller and me bigger or better in some way.
The only reason I felt a need to criticize was to validate myself in some way.
When I am solid in the belief that my thoughts and feelings ARE valid
That I am valid
I needed nothing outside of me to validate myself or my views.
If you want to get to a place of confidence and calm:
If you want to stop criticizing once and for all
End self-criticism.
Let yourself be valid and enough
Because when you are okay with you
You are always okay
Taken care of
Safe
Nothing to prove
If you are tempted to criticize, I would like you to try asking yourself
Where am I believing this will help me? And see what comes up for you.
(and then email to tell me what you discovered because I get ALL EXCITED about stuff like that)
You deserve to live free of criticism.
PS Would you like help ending the habit of criticism? Schedule a call for a free relationship reset call to find out
What the actual problem is
Three solutions
How coaching can help you become the person you want to be