Feeling defeated comes after a long, hard struggle.
It's that moment after working, trying, straining that your mind offers that idea that the effort is not going to work.
It feels like suddenly something breaks.
Sometimes it takes me by surprise.
I will be right there in the fray putting massive amounts of effort, lists and plans around me, doing the work...and suddenly I'm crying; shoulders slumped and head down
And realized that my mind just told me that I can't. I just can't anymore.
If you are like me, what often comes next is double-down hustle, paralyzing frustration, or abandonment of a dream.
None get you any further because
Hustling is unsustainable and usually comes with desperation, burn out, and consequences that perpetuate the problem
Paralyzation creates no progress with the added bonus of the energy depletion that frustration brings.
And dreams are the things that keep us moving and growing in new, adventurous directions. We need those.
Imagine that troubles are like an ocean that you find yourself right in the middle of.
Sometimes we create those problems
And sometimes we just find ourselves in them through no fault of our own.
I want to throw you a life buoy.
A plan for defeat.
Have peace about being here. You do this by not arguing with being here. Whether you accidentally fell in, were pushed into the water, or cannonballed into the situation you are in....stop arguing with the fact that you are here.
Spending time, energy, and mental real estate on resisting the fact that this is where you are is like frantically dog paddling, kicking and flailing yet getting no where.
Pause. Relax. Breathe.
Make peace with the ocean.
Your "ocean" may be how someone is acting, the consequences of someone else's life choices, or a chronic illness, like me.
Imagine back floating in the sea so you can put your mind toward critical, useful action
And not toward the story about why you are there and why you shouldn't be.
Own your results.
Ask yourself, not only, "What have I done that doesn't work?
And "What do I need to do differently to move forward?"
"What am I thinking that isn't working?"
"What am I thinking that is?"
I have found at this point, that I will have been trying to bulldoze action, action, action while ignoring what I have been thinking.
I will subtly put off exercising while thinking, "It won't matter anyway"
I will subtly go off my eating protocol while thinking, "It won't make any difference"
And finally, when I start back on protocol, I will simply be forcing myself to do something I deeply believe won't make any changes.
This is exhausting and it just won't work long term.
It is time to dig deep.
Taking the time to truly challenge the thought
And doing the work to change it
Takes an immense amount of effort sometimes.
I think it's fair to tell you that it may feel as monumental as climbing Everest.
Or swimming the ocean.
Come to peace with the idea that it will take your own, deep work to get out.
Stop waiting for the next big thing to save you.
At this point people often start throwing money at a problem
Looking for anything ANYTHING to escape
Give yourself a significant amount of time to change this situation for yourself.
You can start by believing that YOU WILL find a way out of this situation but until you do...you are okay.
From here you can begin taking critical, useful action instead of frantic, desperate action.
Watch your brain 24/7. Where is it an every point in the day?
It's like watching a toddler that is too close to the pool. The second you turn your back, they are going to try to jump right back in.
If you want to move past defeat, you need to keep your eye on that toddler brain.
It's tempting to want a "break".
This may feel like the longest moments of your life.
You will feel tired and you will probably be surprised how often you find that toddler back in that pool.
Your mind will try again and again to go back to defeating thoughts.
But you can train it.
Make sure your time and your attention go to useful places.
Listen to positive talks, podcasts, books to take you closer to your goal.
By following these steps you stop resisting what is and save that energy for what will be.
You stop waiting for someone or something to save you and you get to work.
You stop believing that you lack what you need to handle it and you begin working from sufficiency.
You create peace in the moment.
You create momentum from defeat.
And you make change inevitable because you refuse to stay the same.
There is a way out of this.
You can figure it out.
You are up to the work, in fact, you were made for this.
Keep trying...just change your strategy.
And, as always, if you want my help working your strategy, I've done this work and I keep doing it every time I find myself in the deep water of despair. I can help you.