The past is something that can push you forward or hold you back.
Do you know which one is happening for you?
Being caught in a cycle does not always mean that you are doing exactly what your parents did "wrong"
You can create cycles of disempowerment by believing that there is something wrong with you because of how you were raised.
When you believe that you are broken, disadvantaged, different, disabled by someone else...you can get pulled into a cycle where you are the victim and the parent is the villain.
From that place a great deal of energy is often put into not becoming the villain in your child's life.
Fear-based parenting, relating with a spouse, disciplining often resorts to controlling and when that doesn't work...giving up.
From that place it is more work to change because part of you is still believing that you are still under the control of someone else
These thoughts feel so extremely true.
Stories of abuse and neglect feel like they surely must and can only be negative.
I want to offer that these experiences could be a total loss and disaster
You could use them to become your greatest strength
Depending on how you use them.
My dad was a cycle-breaker in his family.
He definitely had the opportunity to point fingers at his past when he did not show up as the parent he wished he would
And I have the same opportunity
But I choose something else that helps me move forward with love, abundance, and confidence.
I imagine that if I had a meeting before I was born with my dad
It may have gone like this:
"Hey, future daughter. I'm going to try to teach you to make good choices with your body and mind. You know how strongly I feel about that, and you know me, I will probably get enthusiastic."
"Hey, future dad. Thank you. You also know me, I'm a freedom fighter but I also tend to be a people-pleaser. I'll use your methods to learn how to make space for myself and trust my own instincts. I'll hear you, but in the end I will learn to make my own decisions."
I'm not sure I would have developed my strongest, most vigilant and helpful qualities without the teacher I had in my dad.
Not the one who gave me choices and offered help.
The one who required me to push back, stand up, and hold my own space.
There are people in life that have set up some challenging courses to learn some deep, deep lessons.
We can choose to see them as teachers
As stepping stones
Without condoning the behavior
And without blaming them for our own shortcomings.
Because it helps us grow
Move past trauma
Break free from being controlled by anyone but us
Because we are strong
Because we are brave
Because we are cycle-breakers
We were made for this
We are capable of turning tragedy into triumph by changing how we think about our past
And so I leave you with a challenge:
How did the not-so-great parenting of your parents become an advantage to you?
(That part of your brain that wants to believe that they, in no way helped you. will pipe up right now. Reassure your mind that this is not you condoning their behavior. It is just exploring another way of thinking that leads to healing)
How will you intentionally become a better version of yourself because of what you have been through?
What did you learn NOT to do, thanks to your parent?
If from here on out, you are no longer choosing to be managed, in any way, by your past, what would you see change?
And the last, big step...forgive them. Forgive you. Release yourself from all harmful tethers.
If this is easier said than done I'm here to help you.
I help you learn how to calm the survival part of your brain
I help you rewrite your painful stories
I help you change your thinking so you can open up to genuine connection with your spouse and open up to taking up space in your relationships
I help you parent from gratitude, abundance, and gratitude to deepen your connections with yourself and your children
Click below to schedule a call